The Toothbrush Appeal

Today I finally had my meeting with the Appeals Division of Office of Relationship Management (ORM) to determine my official relationship status with Jenny. Like Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) which handles the documentation of our involvement with aliens (and their stuff), domestic relationships must be established according to bureaucratic standards.

There is no single, bright line test for establishing girlfriend (GF) status. Rather, it is evaluated based on the facts and circumstances of the case, informed by the community where the relationship is located. It is a combination factors like the of number of dates, emotional intimacy, and physical contact demonstrated by the couple. On top of that, the department often looks for something extra, especially here in Los Angeles, to take it out of the temporary fling or experimentation categories and into the more permanent GF status.

When I first put together the application, I though Jenny and I had a good shot at fast track approval with a strong showing in traditionally relevant factors such as long walks in the neighborhood, home cooked meals together, and the meeting of each other's friends.

For whatever reason, the application was denied.

I decided to administratively appeal the decision. I knew that my case had some areas of weakness (no meeting of the parents, for example), but it was worth a shot.

The appeals hearing was scheduled for April 1, 2008 (today). I showed up early with my documents and waited my turn to be called. After about 45 minutes, I got to go in the conference room and make my case.

I met with a man in his 40's with a shock of white hair, thick-rimmed glasses, and a tweed sport coat. His name sounded like "Mr. Snarkburger," which seemed wrong, but I didn't ask to clarify.

I started by helping him update his files. I told him that Jenny had been coming over to visit more, and the average was approaching three times per week. In addition, we had cooked our first meal together (I made chili, Jenny made buttermilk biscuits), and we increasingly rely on each other emotional support, like when I though my iPod died from over exposure to NPR, or the time that Jenny's softball team lost by a generous margin to a team dressed in pink, calling themselves the Unicorns.

There was frantic scribbling on the other side of the table, but no visual clues to indicate what he was thinking. Just then, I reached into my bag and pulled out my secret weapon: the toothbrush.

At first he seemed unimpressed. Then I began to tell the story of how I became the owner of a Colgate 360 Degree Whole Mouth Cleaning System with soft bristles and Tongue & Cheek Cleaner. I explained that until I met Jenny, I would routinely change toothbrushes ever 6 months when I went to the dentist and he gave me a new one. This had a number of obvious disadvantages, most notably that I had been stuck with a pink toothbrush for the last 3 months.

Upon hearing about my situation, Jenny went out and returned the following day with this miracle of modern technology. In addition to having several kinds of bristles for cleaning teeth, gums, and uvula, it also has gel grip pads to hold the toothbrush ergonomically, and a pad behind the bristles to stimulate the cheeks.

At first, I thought it was a little much. But when I tried it, I was convinced. And even though it wasn't exactly the same as the toothbrush that signifies that someone is effectively moving in with someone else, it was enough to convince appeals that Jenny should be granted GF status.

I came home with a sense of accomplishment and a renewed belief in the system. Ironically, Jenny is out off playing softball tonight, so we can't celebrate the victory over bureaucracy together. But at least until I see her again, I'll have clean teeth and healthy gums, and in the meantime, I have something to remind me of her.

Gavin